Romans 8:26a NLT
This is a little different. This is the latest post from my FB page where I journal about the breast cancer/now cancer-free journey of my life, but it is definitely my Promise for Today.
At the initial onset, it’s difficult to express all that goes on emotionally with a cancer diagnosis. However, I had great peace when all this started in 2016. I knew God was going to see me through it. Nor can I express the proper appreciation for the amazing, above-and-beyond support from my family and friends, (I could never have gotten through it without the love and prayerful support of all of you). Nevertheless, I just want to be done with this.
I’m the type of person who wants to get through something and go on with life. What I have learned is that’s not how it works with a cancer diagnosis and ensuing treatment… Even when you’ve completed said treatment, there must be follow-up appointments. There must be tests; blood work, x-rays, mammography, ultrasounds, CAT scans, etc. yada, yada, rinse, repeat. I know compared to many, my journey has been relatively easy, and yet there is still a part of me that resents the repeat performances. (Read – I don’t like that I don’t have control.) The dichotomy is I find myself struggling with just-below-the-surface anger every time a new appointment is scheduled for me, while at the same time rejoicing and giving thanks to God that the next appointment is further away each time; three months, six months, a year.
I also find that while I like to do research and have all the information I can get; I need to guard my heart and mind just like I do as I try to follow Christ. I would encourage you to do the same. Listen, just because there’s an article about it - someone’s opinion on what cancer is or is not, what it does or does not do to you mentally - doesn’t mean we need to read it.
So, as of today, March 1, 2020, I’ve been cancer-free for three years, 7 months and 2 days. This past Friday, I had the regularly-scheduled diagnostic mammogram and ultrasounds completed at The Rose on Featherwood. It was the first time since 2016 that I had gone a year between visits. When they called to schedule the appointment, I had no issues to report.
You might remember there is a weird side effect of a mastectomy; I’ve mentioned it in a previous post, I think. Insane itching at the scar site. The hard part is it itches enough to drive you up a wall, but you can’t scratch it because it’s under the skin, and the scar causes that area to be numb, so you rub it like crazy. The week before the appointment, during one such manic itching episode, I felt a lump beneath the scar. "Is it the traveling lymph node? It doesn’t feel like a lymph node." So then to be sure, I did a self-examination on the remaining breast and found the known traveling lymph node, but not too far from it was another lymph node. (The shape is distinctive for those.) "Oh good," I think to myself, "my traveling lymph node has decided it needs a dance partner." I don’t care if it’s an entire dance troupe of traveling lymph nodes, as long as it’s not... you know.
Back to the left side, that thing should not be there. (Which for some strange reason took me immediately to Dr. Seuss’s Cat In the Hat, “Do I like this? Oh, no! I do not! This is not a good game,” said our fish as he lit. “No, I do not like it, not one little bit!”) Then immediately, all the questions. All the what-ifs. The one fear that you do not want to speak aloud or even acknowledge, and then the prayer. "God? Are You there? Please let it just be a cluster of fat cells. Please let it be fat cells. Please let it be fat cells…" (Have you ever known ANY woman to pray for fat cells?!? Let alone a BBW who already has more than enough?)
Anyway, I found myself in a very strange place, not being able to pray specifically about it other than, "God? Are You there?" And He was. Scripture, sermons I heard at my church, live streams of pastors I listen to online - all confirming that very promise. His presence – Psalm 46, a VERY present help in time of trouble. Romans 8:26a NLT, And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. In Isaiah 59, when the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him. And there was a veritable flood of words from the enemy’s weapon of choice, fear.
I believe that what you feed in your spirit is what lives. We must starve fear to death. Don’t feed it, don’t repeat it. I found myself picking the weapons of my warfare just like I did before. I have to have a fight song (or a fight playlist). And God is so faithful to lead me to the right song every time. He is so personal, He took me directly to Sheri Easter’s, Hear My Heart. I had no idea that she wrote the song during her own battle with cancer, but God knew… It spoke exactly to where I was – "‘Cause You know every fear and every doubt I cannot speak. You know all the ways I need You and all the ways I'm weak, so I'll be quiet so You can hear my heart." (It's on YouTube.)
Then the ultrasound and all the measuring and marking reference points and the locations all in concert with the background choir of fear-ridden what-ifs. Now, I love a good choir (like the ones in the Sister Act movies) but this wasn’t that choir… And in that moment when the technician said she was going out to get the doctor and to not get dressed in case he needed to look at something else more specifically, I found myself ALMOST overwhelmed by fear - wanting to call my sister and wanting to call my best friend - but then I heard in my heart the Lord say, “Be still and know that I am God” and tangibly felt the Holy Spirit lift up the standard against the onslaught of fear.
By the time the doctor came into the room, I was completely shored up with Psalm 23, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the SHADOW of death I will fear no evil for You are with me…" Turns out the shadow IS a fat cell cluster on the left and on the right, a dance partner for the traveling lymph node. I asked the doctor when the last time was that he heard of a woman praying for more fat cells… He agreed the Lord works in mysterious ways.
Hear my heart, Lord. I want to be done with living in a what-if environment. By God’s great grace and mercy, I remain cancer-free. Praise His Holy Name!
Prayer:
Father,
I pray for all those being tossed about on the storms of life. Speak to the wind and the waves of those storms, and speak to their hearts, too, O God, “Peace, be still.” In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment